Extremely specific fake horoscopes

Y’know I’ve been pretending to consult the stars a lot these days, but I’m no psychic so I’m just gonna make some stuff up and if it comes true I’ll take all the credit instead of those stars getting it.

Aries: You’re going to find exactly 97 cents on the ground, and then go home and search your couch real quick to find 3 more cents. Then with your shiny new dollar you’ll go to the store and try to buy something worth a dollar, but you forgot to account for GST and you’re actually 5 cents short, so you just pay with debit and leave 97 cents on the ground for the next Aries.

Taurus: You’re going to buy some gloves to keep in your car for cold mornings but then after using them once, you absent-mindedly bring them inside and then forget to bring them back to the car for about 2 years before they end up in the bottom of a bin.

Gemini: You’ll start to think you’re getting sick because you have a bit of a sore throat but it’ll go away after you sleep a bit and forget it even happened.

Cancer: Your food order isn’t exactly what you were expecting but it’s fine, just not what I w- no stop, no I don’t want to complain. No seriously it’s fi-.. sorry no it’s alright thanks.

Leo: Your date will be too polite to complain to the server about them getting their food wrong.

Virgo: Bugs.

Libra: You’ll have a really good idea late at night, and so you write it down in your notes, but then in the morning you remember that and go to see what you wrote down and all it says is “ladders”. You have no idea what this means.

Scorpio: Your friend teaches you a word in another language and you’ll actually remember it for a long time. Nice!

Sagittarius: You’ll see someone incredibly familiar at the store but won’t be able to think of why you know their face. It will bother you for a few days until you finally remember late at night: It was your optometrist all along.

Capricorn: See virgo.

Aquarius: You tell a joke you think is really funny but your friend thinks it’s really dumb. You tell the joke to someone else later and they think it’s really funny and you internalize some feelings about the first friend.

Pieces: You notice one day that a local store changed to a different store. You ask someone when that changed and they’re like “like.. two years ago”. You ponder the Mandella Effect.