I like movies a lot. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I love movies, but I do enjoy movies. Who doesn’t? It’s like music, everyone likes music. Show me a person alive who doesn’t like music. Although I guess I do actually know a few people who don’t like movies so maybe this opening isn’t as strong as I initially planned. Damn.
Anyway this was a horrible year and we all had a horrible time. If you were gonna list everything that sucked about 2020 you’d have a long list. Somewhere on that list, maybe ranked somewhere at #5000, below all the actual real problems that were horrible and actually mattered, you’d have “movies really sucked this year”
So why not devote an entire blog post to giving a review to every single movie I watched this year? Yes all of them. I have a letterboxd, and I logged every movie (if you’re curious here’s my letterboxd) so why not? I only really watched 25 movies and a good chunk of them were anime movies that I’m gonna skip because it’s my post and I don’t think you care about anime anyway.
Weathering with you: Ok I will review this one anime movie cause it’s from a studio I really like, except this one wasn’t very good. Saw it in theatres and was kinda disappointed.
The Last Airbender: The M.Night Shyamalan one. It sucks but you already knew that. It’s also pretty casually racist.
The Garden of words: Okay I will review two anime movies. One of my favourite movies of all time. It’s on Netflix, watch it. It’s from that studio I mentioned in Weathering with you except this movie is amazing.
Onward: I liked it because I’m a big D&D nerd but also it was pretty campy. I know it’s a kid’s movie but some kid’s movies are better at not being campy.
Rampage: Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is friends with a big monkey who goes on a rampage. Movie kicks butt. It also sucks. Both can be true.
Pirates of the Caribean 1-3: These are the good ones. First one is really good and the other two are… fine. The ride at Disneyland is pretty good if you’ve never been. Weird choice for them to make a whole franchise based on the ride but they made like 6 so screw me right?
Godzilla: the 2014 one. It’s not that good, but…
Godzilla King of the Monsters: This one actually sucks so much. It made me like the first one way more by comparison. The start of this movie is actually pretty decent, but it instantly ruins itself with a shoehorned message about eco-fascism but also doesn’t do a very good job of explaining why eco-fascism is bad. Mille Bobby Brown is not a good actor, I’m sorry.
Captain America: A cool ww2 movie that is ruined by adding laser guns. If they made this a ww2 movie it would have slapped so hard, but really this movie could have almost taken place at any time because of the ubiquitous Bad Guy Laser Guns™
Hamilton: Lin-Manuel Miranda is the sweetest man alive and I love his writing. Play is decent. I do feel a bit weird enjoying it because it does at times just feel like “America! Hell Yeah!” which is not really my cuppa. But songs are good and made me care about American history for 2 hours.
The Princess Bride: One of the greatest, most quotable movies of all time. I don’t have to tell you why this movie is good.
Tenet: One of two movies I saw in theatres this year! I know a lot of people dislike putting up with Christopher Nolan’s bullcrap, but I actually enjoy just being along for the ride. I really wish Nolan would let me hear the characters talk though….
Tenet was pretty good and I’ll probably watch it a few more times when it gets onto a streaming service. Also! I would have really liked if the “You can move inverted objects with your mind” mechanic was ever used in this movie other than the exposition scene.
V for Vendetta: It’s hilarious the various ways people have misunderstood Alan Moore’s writing. No I will not elaborate further. This movie is… not great. It does have its moments tho.
Pacific Rim Uprising: This movie makes me angry. It sucks in the worst way possible. I’m not even kidding, this movie actually makes me physically angry to think about.
Pacific Rim: Yes I watched them in this order, because this is maybe the 7th time watching Pacific Rim and I needed to cleanse Pacific Rim 2 from my brain.
THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Simple movie, big robots, big alien fish monsters. This movie is perfect because it knows exactly what it’s trying to be and actually does it. Pacific Rim rules.
Paul Blart mall cop 2: I’ve seen this movie 5 times and it sucked every time.
Muppets Christmas Carol: No one told Michael Cane he was in a muppet movie. Dude is just acting his butt off, playing the best Scrooge cinema has ever seen. Best version of the story bar none.
Dune (1984): One of the worst movies ever made and I love it. This movie makes zero sense and I’m here for it. I’ve basically memorized the imdb triva page for it. Book is great if you’re into sci-fi or good books
Clue: This movie has absolutely no business being this funny. Absolute all star cast, great writing, good pacing. There is one homophobic joke and I know you can write it off because “It’s the 80’s!” but that isn’t gonna stop me from calling it out. Other than that, this movie absolutely SLAPS. I was hooked all the way through and I was laughing all the way through. Clue is a great movie. Also! I would have loved to have been alive when it was in theatres to see the gimmick! Ending C is iconic.
And that’s it! What a horrible year for movies! The year’s average is like… 1.5 stars out of 5 on my letterboxd. Jesus.
Now if you’ll excuse me… I’m gonna go sleep with my wife.